Oh for heavens sake.

Guess what I've done?

Oh come on, guess now.. No? Fine.

Ok, you'd NEVER have guessed it anyway, so I'll just tell you.

I've changed my mind again!!

Yep, a real shocker, eh?

I've gone back to school, looking for a training position and.. wait for it... I've started to train for a promotional run that'll take place in the spring! Yes, seriously. Stop laughing.

The thing is, since that last post and the whole ruckus I made about going back to the world of adults.. Well, I'm the first to admit that that did not turn out to be the case.

The sad reality is that if one truly wants a proper job ( and with a proper job I mean the kind that doesn't have merely provision wages, has bosses whose balls have dropped and co workers that don't prance about the workplace shouting VITTU every two minutes because their nails broke or some person refused to buy a dodgy mobile interface from them ), they really need to have a degree. So my brilliant plan of getting a job and saving money so that we can move abroad backfired rather spectacularly when all the work I was able to get was selling electricity and phone sales, which is basically like getting a splintered log shoved up ones backside on a daily basis.

Now I'm honest enough to myself to recognize and admit when I'm being snotty and bitchy, but in this particular case, I swear that those jobs were way beneath me and what I can truly do. So I quit. Called TAMK and begged them to take me back and here we are then!

My darling friend is helping me get a practical place with his firm and things are looking up once again!

Also, I'm planning a trip to visit my darling Paula and the little bundle that was born last month, Elias! Also, my favorite brother has invited me over to Dublin for my birthday, so I might actually get to have an actual holiday, just for me, for the first time in 7 years in November.

Three cheers to that.

And the winner is...

What a great writer I am, eh?

So prompt and effective.

The thing is, the theme for this blog is going to change a lot, not only because of the the fact that we are not moving to Barcelona after all but also because I am going to stop mocking about and start playing the role of a responsible person again.

Leo left for Lapland today with my mom and her man, they came to pick up the first load of stuff and the kid and I shall be all alone until the end of the month. My mother says this is the perfect opportunity for me to spend so quality time on my own and have a little holiday if you will. Well here I am, mother, sitting in the middle of an empty living room, with nothing but a TV and a rug for company and I cannot help wonder when the fun will begin. I am so sick and tired of spending quality time on my own. I´d much rather spend it with my dear friends. Which, as it would seem, are all in Oulu.

I´ve officially become study placeless, having taken a leave from my studies for a year. I will not be coming back to this city again, the rest of my studies will be done in Oulu, I just have to apply for a transfer next year.

I´m sure there are loads of ways to express ones disappointment when things have not gone even remotely like you planned, but the most potent one of those ways for me at the moment seems to be to sulk and feel sorry for myself like a good selfish pillock that I am.

I am not naive enough to think that many people get exactly what they yearn from life, but I do vehemently believe that we get what we need in that particular place and time to be able to move forward without perishing. Our road will lead to Oulu, the smelly city, where our family and friends reside. I shall find myself a job, pay off some of my humongous debts and Leo can start preschool in a language that he actually knows.

Sure, I´m gutted for not being able to move abroad, but I´ve made the mature decision for once.

So onwards and upwards, back to the world of grown ups!

I´ve stopped thinking! Hurrah! Have you ever noticed how most of the good stuff in life seems to waltz past you simply because you are too over thinking matters and therefore clustering every chance of actually taking a leap of faith.

I´ve been over thinking, over wishing things, squeezing my eyes shut and hoping that I´d get money somewhere, I´d get a job somewhere, my rent would be paid somehow magically and that my school work would just do itself. When in fact, that is all bullshit. I will get nothing done so and I ought to stop wishing and over thinking and just get on with it. Stiff upper lip and all that.

My best friend, my darling woman, Jules, is leaving for home on Sunday. She has been one of those people that you just know from the start that you will know still when you are drooling all over yourself in a nursing home. She has helped me through so much drama and simply been there without any drama, that I´m not sure how exactly I will be able to start holding down the fort by myself again. It´s both a brilliant thing that she is leaving and the saddest thing in years. I love the fact that things keep changing yet I vehemently object to it. Our time together in this country has come to an end, yet now our relationship will only become stronger and even more international! And this makes the sun shine out of my bottom.

I´ve booked flights to Barca, to go for an interview with Leos future school. 380 freaking euros for one whole day there. It dawned to me that we seriously do not know anyone there. Not a soul. I had somehow thought that we could just stay at a friends house for the couple of nights and I very nearly soiled myself out of horror when I realized that in fact, we are really jumping into the deep end. But I´m not that scared anymore. It´s merely a test of merit and how steely my balls are. Symbolically speaking naturally.

Tonight we had the last mothers day party at Leos daycare. He looked so huge among the other kids, it was comical. He will grow up to be such an entertainer! I love it! So I got my flowers and the card he had made and can go to sleep feeling like a good mom for a change. Which is exactly what I will do now!

Piss poor job, says I..

Gosh darn it. I´m back.

Ok, the thing is, I am an easily distracted personality, I´ve got 5 books that I´m reading at one time, I forget the dishes in the sink with the soap water because I start doing homework with Leo, I wake up in the morning, vehemently determined to write this and do that and then end up washing laundry or staring at the wall until it´s time to go and pick the Spud up and realize I´ve gotten nothing done.

This is me, trying to make excuses on why I have not been writing. Not here or anywhere else.

Yet, even though I´ve been silent on this front, I´ve managed to get something done!
I´ve send out job applications and got three responses today, it´s starting to look as if I am able to pay Leos school after all! The cruel irony of the matters at hand is that the most desirable position of those three is the one that sounds to most dodgy when you look at it more thoroughly. Bugger, says I.

I´ve also started to sell our stuff. The sofa, other kitchen table, digi box, book shelves and so are firmly out on the market, let´s hope someone has the good sense to relieve me of these items. And pay good money for them, obviously.

I recognize this feeling of restlessness inside from all the previous times I´ve decided to pack up and haul us to the next address and this time, I´m not even going to try and feel bad about it. I am nearly giddy with excitement on having the possibility to start fresh and doing it without any help. There is no family there to help, nothing to lean on in Barcelona that I could steady myself to.

This, my dearest people, is the true test of merit, if I really have the strength that I´ve been hollering about for years and years. I´m pretty confident that I will pass the test with flying colors. Hmm.

Minor setback ahoi!

Turns out, my brilliant plan to start bettering myself was temporarily forgotten when I was left alone. I spend an wonderful evening watching a musical whilst eating a lovely 3 course meal in pleasurable company at Musiikki teatteri Palatsi on Saturday evening. My goodness, those singers were, coin a phrase ,unbelievable. Yet..

... I did no writing, nothing remotely beneficial to my spiritual growth nor did I clean the apartment during those four days that I was alone. But fear not! Now that I am once again able to think straight, I shall continue my path of enlightment. Oh and clean the windows.

I have been going through various options on how to pay Leos rather humongous school fees in Barcelona. It will cost me approximately 6000 euros to put Leo to the International School of Catalunya. This of course might as well be 6 000 000 euros. But I refuse to be let down even after that not so nice bank lady laughed in my face when I asked for a loan or when my attempts on finding a shirtless Spaniard hunk as a au pair failed to follow through. So that leaves me currently looking for a part time job which would able me to pay Leos school fees. There are a huge amount of jobs available in the Barcelona area and by golly, one of those jobs is mine sooner than you can say "constitutionalition of laws and regulations".

Leo lost another tooth, someone seems to have hit the fast forward button on the imaginary remote and I cannot, for the life of me, find the one that will make things go at a normal speed again. So if you happen to come upon such remote, do not give me the control of it as I have a sneaking suspicion that this is exactly what we both need, more action and not having two identical days in a week.

Actually, now that I re read that sentence, life is pretty good. Jolly good in fact.

Extraordinarily average.

So Leo left for Lapland today, humming the Darth Vader theme as he walked out the door.

And I was left with silence again.

But this time, instead of trying to make the silence go away so that I could not think, I embraced it and let the thoughts flow. And I must say, this has been rather fun! Even if I´ve been pondering about some not so positive things and came up numerous not so cheerful scenarios about the future at some point, the main thing was that I did think and I did let myself submerge in my own head and actually liked what I found there! Hurrah!

I can honestly say that all the things I was writing about yesterday, about opening up to embrace the little things in life again, works on ones thoughts too. I´m pretty sure that I will not have the nightmares tonight, that I will be able to sleep soundly and wake up tomorrow without feeling exhausted. And this realization brings me great joy.

See? A little thing!

Blob.

Leo is leaving up north tomorrow for four nights.

He has made a detailed plan on how he and his grandfather are going to make him a knights helmet and knuckle shields from cast iron. That is one of the most amazing things about him. That he is not tainted with too much reality and logical thinking. I´m pleased to notice that I too am not that tainted and numb from logical thinking, that I too can still appreciate the small things in life, like seeing a old couple walk to the store hand in hand or break into a happy dance if I happen to brew the perfect tasting pot of coffee.

I´m sure his creativity and wild imagination will unfortunately be toned down and even distinguished once he starts school, so I will make it my business to make him remember this time. When everything was still possible and the mere thought of  riding a lion to daycare wearing nothing but a sword and a Darth Vader outfit was so real and hilarious that it made him smile so bright the whole room seemed to illuminate.

It´s so freaking easy to forget about the simple pleasures of life these days. We´re all overwhelmed with the latest gadgets and clothes and music. Yet I believe that even when surrounded by all this STUFF, because that is all it is, a person is still not happy because they lack the ability to let go and relax.

I, for one, refuse to lack that ability. I´m done stressing about income, relationships and deadlines all the time and will  instead focus on the little things to draw me the sense of accomplishment that I so desperately seem to crave. I´ll go back to the basics, build myself up again and learn to value what really counts in the long run.

After all, life is what you make of it. And mine shall be an adventure.